Once again I find myself completely deflated. The idea was to rest fully over the weekend, but I went against my inner truth and was around people most of the weekend and gave into momentary ideas that other people deemed cool. The consequences are that I went to work today only to return back home to listen to music while lying in bed for the most part. Even though I’m totally done for, falling asleep is still hard to do; a weary mind can indeed be very busy too.
After years of misunderstandings and no sustainable progress in getting back to life, let alone work, I have reached a boiling point. My strategy is now to cut the ties with pretty much everyone I know until I’m back on my feet for real, as in few months of consistent health and not least my former ability to work hard on my own projects too. I expect this process to take many years.
Once we become serious about entering the path of success for real, we realize that the people around us are different species now, as we are changing so much ourselves. The kind of mindset it takes to break out of the old life and start building a new one, is so unlike ordinary mindsets, that it can only be described with logic, which still fails hard in explaining the exact feeling of internal freedom. Old connections suddenly turn to heavy anchors, for reasons of how we people affect one another.
It feels very personal and mean to do this, but it’s really just one more decision and the relief of the mere idea is so immense, that thinking of going back becomes a major drag. We cannot expect people to change with us, just like we cannot expect us to resist shuffling our network thoroughly. Of course there are exceptions to this, but they are extremely rare.
I’ve simply had enough of getting nowhere and always falling back into my old ways. I have reached a very critical point. Just this past weekend I began contemplating suicide as a way out. Contemplating suicide is by no measure ok, let alone planning it and carrying it out. I will rather sacrifice 99% of my many relationships than risk getting stuck in suicidal tendencies. Been there, done that and tried it three times. I’m no fool no more, this is the point where one gets extremely serious about the future.
None of my current relationships are direct reasons to why I’m ill, but merely triggers for past issues blowing up again and again. I have simply lost my patience with getting back up again for the 2.700th time and have decided to take hardcore and brutal executive action. People only hold us down if we let them, but in order to resist that, one must be strong and mentally fit. In a near daily haze of fatigue, one simply goes into every direction provided by countless people with unrelated interests. Hence the mental slavery of stress.
I have repeated the same mantras to my entire network over the past five years or more: “I need rest and don’t want to be around unhealthy foods.” Try and guess how many actually remembered this next time we met, let alone respected it without the mantra being chanted again: None whatsoever. Stress is simply not understood because you may be having a good day and then folks simply expect your journey to be over.
Experience tells me that the journey might in fact never be over. Having close relations is actually a major risk factor for my health. It has reached the point that if people call me on the phone or suggest meeting up, my first thought is: “What can I say to escape them?” Being a good lier is an important tool of defense against the world when dealing with stress.
People aren’t mean, they just have a zero clue on how this works. I’m confident that the future will be brighter, but whether I will ever get consistently back to life, let alone work, that remains to be seen, and I’m not crossing my fingers, but merely working towards that goal with zero expectations.