Right now, that sneaky voice that kills our self esteem, is feeling confident inside my head. I know it’s just a transfer of thoughts, yet it’s becoming tempting to give in and surrender to this strange feeling. In a way it feels like I’m dying already, yet I know it’s merely a transfer of thought. The current downer came about from mental overload, which can happen very fast once stress has gotten us to the point of pretty much everything being tiring.
The actual causes I suppose, are different from person to person, what is important I find, is knowing when and how you’re crossing over and which tools one can use to prevent it from escalating, let alone turning it around before it takes over and suicide becomes a valid option.
Right now, I just feel drifting away gently, not exactly sad or upset, just gently fading out. This feeling is so sneaky and almost hidden, it can be very hard to even notice. I’ve been in suicide land so many times, with three attempts, more plans than I can remember and hundreds of days in this feeling. This bottomless pit, so serene, yet so dark and somehow friendly in a very disturbing way. Things have changed though, because now I’m aware of where I am and where I could be headed if I wasn’t aware.
I have no idea if other people in this situation can relate, but I find it immensely important to share this as it happens, in case it might help someone else to understand, interfere and hopefully prevent someone suffering somewhere. Suicide is way too common and our authorities seem to have no genuine interest to do much, so it’s up to us to deliver whatever we have to the cause. I don’t possess the skills and energy to work directly with people in need, but I have my experiences to be honest about.
An absolute key ingredient is to realize that feelings and thoughts do not represent reality, they are interpretations of reality and let’s face it, a person on the edge is not reasonable about reality, we can be bound by so many different factors from the past and current struggles, that our perception of reality can be a confusing mess to say the least. This is the moment where I tell myself that whatever becomes tempting to believe in dark land, is a temporary perception, and is subject to my feelings and thoughts, which aren’t exactly ponies and rainbows at the moment.
Now, this doesn’t have to be a completely bad situation. The pain is real, but so is the opportunity to understand where it is coming from. This is not one of these personal development articles btw., that’s the stuff we do when motivated. By understanding, I mean a disassociated observation on what is bothering you. Like watching the whole situation as if it was a film and detach your feelings from the equation. Digging into this stuff takes shit loads of time, so let’s settle with a little surface look and just try and understand that regardless of how you may be feeling and thinking right now, it’s not an eternal situation. Believe me when I say it, I’ve been here a endless many times.
Things do indeed get better, but I get you still, it doesn’t feel realistic at the moment and the pain or emptiness inside certainly feels like a fuckig eternity as it’s going on. It’s tempting to say some of the following:
- Don’t do it, think about the people you will leave behind!
- It gets better, hang in there!
- We all have bad days!
- People have been through worse!
- Etc. Etc. Etc.
And then it’s these people that claim suicide to be a selfish thing to do. Here’s my take on them, fuck these people, they’re not here right now. It is what it is.
This kind of talk never ever, not once made any sense to me at all. I eventually chose to just take the fucking situation and wait it out. Don’t worry, I’ve also been a total asshole to innocent people in spiritual self defense. Life is fucking life sometimes, isn’t it?
Having all this said, I still think you should seek help, there are many anonymous sites where you can talk with experienced people under a fake name.
Now, what is your superpower?
Don’t hesitate writing me from an anonymous email account to hollivals (at) gmail dot com. If that is what it will take for you to open up. I won’t tell you some fairytale bullshit, it’s all real over here.
I’m no therapist, but I’m very good at searching for stuff on the internet and would love to help guiding you to people that can help you for real. If you feel neglected by every medical professional you’ve met, welcome to the club.
And lastly, it’s ok to lie to people to get a little break from life and sneak out for an impromptu ice cream shopping trip. You know what I mean, a little you time to enjoy life. Fuck what others think about a little self loving and rewarding behavior.
Stay strong, I believe in YOU!