How Deep Far Down The Rabbit Hole Are You Willing To Go For Self Awareness?

I’m one of these people that choose a perpetual limbo between damaging and healthy doubt. Damaging doubt is everything in our minds that holds us back from improving our lives and healthy doubt is the will to question ourselves for the sake of personal growth. A prime example would be wondering if this article is utter bullshit or not. Damaging doubt decreases self esteem and confidence, whilst healthy doubt gives assurance that one can adjust to obstacles faster and better.

For every door of perception I open, I find myself in yet another room. There is no endgame here, not one I can see at this point anyway. Each room holds a lesson and once that lesson is learned, we get a key to proceed. Narcotics can help expanding the mind, but to get the key to work, reflection is a necessary step. This can take years if we choose to be know-it-alls, humility hastens the process. 

No two rooms are the same, yet they consist of two extremes, pain and education. The education cannot be obtained before the pain, which in itself becomes perpetually brutal if we neglect humbling ourselves to reap the reward, the education. Facing our inner blockings dissolves the pain and sheds light on the education, the key to the next door.

Life has taught me one grand lesson. It never gets easier. It gets faster, but the pain seems to grow in ratio with how far down the rabbit hole we go. Some people settle with figuring enough out to be well in an ordinary life, which is great. Others remain lost in one room and then there’s that rare breed like me, that adopts to spiritual masochism as a tool to learn more.

Without embracing eternal pain and adversity, the school of life comes to an end. Often we are comfortable in one room when the next door suddenly swings open and the pain pulls us in. Some folks manage to close the door and escape back to the previous room, while others fall flat down on the floor of victim hood. I have spent many days lying on the floor like that.

Sometimes I get up and throw the middle finger at life to create a thinking space, but as I adjust, and I always do, humility becomes an invincible sword that cuts through anything. At this time of writing, I can’t remember all the doors I have passed, nor do I have the slightest clue about where I am in the timeline of personal growth. I could be in the middle, at 0.1% or at 78%.

There is no roadmap; the game of life is as clear as driving drunk in the dark at best. Once we’re confident that we got it all figured out, BOOM, another door disrupts our cool and life is now ready to punch us into the face again. Which is the exact reason for me volunteering as a spiritual masochist. Victimhood is too much of a drag, when there is a tougher and more rewarding way forward.


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