As the current depression evolves, I keep spotting more and more weird elements in this overall and seemingly negative state. I have written enough about how I have conquered depression to the point of not being it’s slave during it’s, thankfully, temporary visits to my psyche. I’m on week four or five now and still not the usual victim. A first time victory since childhood, aka mid eighties.
Being aware and awake during a downer is quite educating. One of the things that have been nagging me lately, is this deep irrelevant guilt, over nothing in particular. It’s just there, feeding me burdening doubt over the tiniest things, such as dropping a Facebook comment that might or might not, make people feel as if I’m interfering with a discussion. Not to mention which like icon I should choose.
I’m certain that the root to the guilt and depression is the same thing. As my social anxiety, insane panic attacks in the past and lifelong addiction since teenage years. There feels to be some element of shame going on here. Some childhood experience or maybe even just observation or who really knows?
My interest lies in the energy itself and not whatever act or event may have caused it, as we people that fall prey to victimhood have different stories, but identical suffering. Analyzing every story into different parts is helpful to expose the deepest triggers of course, but after 2-3 decades, more than half of my life, the actual cause feels insignificant.
Quick fixes can be much more brutal to experience and are definitely not the path for sensitive and broken people that freak out during a panic attack. It wasn’t easy, but has become my preferred method of figuring stuff out, to just box the devil in the face and then deal with the response without falling prey to whatever consequences I have created.
I intend to figure out what this basic energy is. It will be the finish line in this lifelong race towards and away from understanding the foundation to depression. Once I’m there, I imagine to be ready to start understanding the bigger spiritual picture.