Finally for the first time in over five years, I am finally beginning to wind down and it’s just like when you’ve been doing loads of overtime or stressful work for quite some time and finally get a holiday and fall ill; “Typical! I finally get that holiday and now I’m sick!” Most of us try that at some point.
I met a super charming and very attractive female in September of 2011 and entered a relationship almost immediately. She turned out to be a narcissist and I went homeless for eight months to avoid more suicide attempts.
Since then, I’ve been under severe stress which I couldn’t define until I was told about anxiety: “Anxiety, that’s what weak and afraid people do;” was my way of thinking. I had no idea I had been under near daily pressure, sometimes with so bad attacks that my body functions would give in, with slight hallucinations, breathing issues and insane pulse rates. Not to to mention that deep endless sadness and meaningless existence.
After I came to terms with that relationship recently and began putting two and two together, I realised what was really causing all this fatigue, brain fog, cognitive problems, lack of ability to finish thoughts or sentences, sleeping disorders, stuff I can’t recall right now and eating disorders, which thankfully didn’t affect me permanently. People congratulated me for losing 8 kg (17.6 lbs) in five days, by lying on the couch. Society sure has a delusional view on beauty.
Now finally, I’m in that same state I remember from hard work, a sweet collapse and proper tiredness. I’m finally drained, like a normal person would be, from normal pressure. It feels great and secure, because it’s not insane anymore. Hang in there friend, life gets better indeed.
It has been incredibly hard to get understanding from various medical professionals, probably because I’m a man and I look strong and act bad-ass. Women get so much more understanding, which for me is fine actually, because I prefer to deal with my issues without much help, albeit I do not recommend it for anyone that believes their own fears to be a truth of any kind.
Survivors from narcissistic relationships seem to be kept in the cold in general and it never made sense to me that I could develop Bi-Polar after the age of thirty-five. I almost went on medication to prevent more stress, but the diagnosis was rushed through and they don’t use psychiatrists to diagnose people where I live, but specially trained psychologists, I guess to safe money in the currently fast-failing system here in Denmark. Psychiatric doctors are only used to write prescriptions in Aarhus, Denmark.
These people never put two and two together, when I told them that my normal pulse rate rose from around 60 bpm, to around 85 bpm, as a probable cause for “manic” symptoms and didn’t seem to care to understand that during my “manic” episodes, I become super analytical, focused, creative, logical and productive. The diagnosis was there and all I had to do, was to submit, which is not something you can expect from an Icelandic person. Our volcanic will power can beat any obstacle.
I’m still having some anxiety when trying to fall asleep, sweat a lot and am overly sensitive to the tiniest of sounds.
I have a reason to believe that my nervous system has been compromised. Regardless of that, I’m quite positive that by getting back to a lifestyle that has worked before, I will be able to eliminate the trails of that relationship for good. Some of the best advice I’ve ever heard about moving on, comes from business maestro Gary Vaynerchuk:
Moving on and climbing up from the source of constant anxiety is no easy work, nor does it happen very fast.
The last two years since I walked out of that hell hole, can only be described like a rollercoaster without secure wheels on shaky rails. Homelessness itself is very stressful and “worn-out to the grave” is the best description I can give of how that actually feels. I never became a full-time street sleeper, so I consider myself lucky for having been suicidal every day for weeks, and not more than that.
By implementing the right lifestyle, it is indeed possible to get out of this mess and because of the complexity of the process, I would choose help very carefully and make sure the person that is helping you, is able and willing to respect you when they can’t understand what you are and have been going through and put their opinions aside while you explain what you need and will help you get that. Someone that has been through this eruption of insanity themselves, would be an ideal choice.
Emotional -> Mental -> Physical Rebuild in that particular order is my path, but your’s should be based on what you feel like doing first and can act on today or ASAP. If you are a care-taker or a guardian, try to find a little me time every day, to at least think about what you can to do move on. The internet and most people can and have to wait. Now is the time to ask for more help at home.
For emotional rebuild, I would recommend focusing on your own personal needs until you’re normal again, whatever that means in your particular case.
- Volunteering for charity can be a good step, because there you will be surrounded by sympathetic and positive people who care from the heart.
- What about that old hobby?
- What kind of entertainment lifts you up?
- How about your favourite childhood meal?
- Any closed ones your narcissistic manipulator drove away from you?
- What do you miss that this person took away from you?
This is the time where you can start limiting time with negative people, that may have grown used to your past pushover mentality, (narcissistic brainwashing,) to serve their egos and inner victims for perpetual need for confirmation/”understanding,” with no desire to grow up themselves. Your soul has been anchored for a long time, and it’s time to roll in the chains and sail on towards YOUR horizon.
For mental rebuild, I would recommend success and winner mentality from different sources. These can include billionaires, people of faith, world-class athletes, personal development gurus and so forth, because your situation is extreme and extreme measures are required to just become normal. Take it with ease though, it can become addictive to go from hell to greatness overnight. All successful AND positive people seem to have the same perspective on life and human behaviour.
For physical rebuild, I would recommend finding non-biased, no bs. help with nutrition. I personally never ask people in the fitness world, because they usually have a fixed religious view on how to eat to get muscle this and cardio that. If you like sporty stuff, fitness people might be the best choice. Veggie fat seems to be my best friend and meat, not so much. My personal success came from certain foods; “The Foods I Eat To Avoid Depression.”
Not to neglect the importance of some form for exercise, even if it’s just walks with your funniest friend over the phone that gets your situation and can turn your complaints into a much-needed laughter, you know, that crazy friend that gets you like no one else.
I feel for you, I belive in you and I want you to succeed, because this situation can render people dysfunctional from work, personal obligations and the will to go on. You shall get that life you deserve!
I used to consider 50 hours of blue-collar work per week, to be totally normal and that angry co-worker was an entertainment or a person I could talk into positive reason. Now I can’t do much, can’t handle negativity, nor criticism and that has bothered me to the point of severe depression. That is post-narcissistic brainwashing at it’s finest and has to be addressed in order to move on. If you don’t like yourself much, it’s because you’ve been trained to be wrong about yourself.
Dear reader, life isn’t fair and it isn’t easy. You must stay positive, also when it feels wrong, if you are to get back on your feet. That’s my personal struggle at the moment, to accept the downfall and to climb out of the black hole again, towards the life I know I deserve.
Thank you for reading and may your life improve to the point we both know you truly deserve.
Here is a little bit more from Gary V. to help you even further.