Desperation Destroys Everything, Unless Your Lifestyle Prevents It.

“Fear” by Geralt

After near daily depressions, a few suicide attempts and too many severly fucked up days since around 1990 and still counting, my quest for turning hell into heaven, continues. I have come to learn, that by preventing despair, pretty much any mental problem can be avoided.

By replacing screen-time after 9pm / 21.00, with basic yoga, stretches and meditation, I can turn a desperate racing mind into a sleeping baby.


Someone reported my personal Facebook account as fake the other day and now I can’t log in, which is a blessing to be honest. Facebook is different from most sites, because it demands your attention all over the screen at the same time. Facebook, I guess, is designed with addiction in mind. Mark Zuckerberg sure knows how to keep us desperate for that blue and white screen.

The mental relief from loosing Facebook is no small deal. It was like getting rid of that negative friend that keeps coming at you with their past problems, to get sympathy and to drag you down to their level. The very personality I have allowed myself to be most of my life, because it’s easier than to accept the responsibility in growing  out of addictive negatives.

Besides neglecting the lifestyle that has worked before, I went full force on Facebook, checking that thing through out the day and that is a major stress factor. I’ve been extremely lonely lately and used the “scrolling down other people’s lifes” as an escape, instead of finding ways to grow out of hell.

Being mindful about how you react to your thoughts, can turn things around fast.

girl-624223_640One practice I’ve come back to, is to mentally work on all these stressful thoughts that pop up, to try and kill them at birth. Otherwise they begin manifesting themselves as something that feels important. Many of these thoughts are things that went wrong and I can easily get stuck in obsessing with anger, over something that could have gone differently. The power of foregiveness can go a very long way indeed.

This desperate mindset also works as a key contributor to addictive tendencies and has often led me back to drinking and weed smoking, to get a peace of mind. Some nights I would take any drug available, anything but this shithole experience in hell. A much better option is to prevent this from happening, by being mindful on every racing and negative thought. This is easier said than done though and gets harder and harder as we grow older, because of routines I suppose, so young people reading this, pay attention!

NEVER allow that blackhole in your soul, that complete loneliness and major depression, to give birth to fear.


Last Saturday, I had one of my worst days. The loneliness, deep bottomless sadness and depression got so bad, I thought I was dying, literally. I was actually afraid of going to sleep, because if felt like I wouldn’t wake up again. The doors to anxiety were wide open:

“What if it never ends?”
“What if I’m destined to be totally alone for the rest of my life?”
“What if I’m actually dying?”
“Will anyone even care for real?”

These are very typical thoughts during my visits to hell and it’s RIGHT THERE at that particular spot, that we MUST decide that it will eventually be over. If we give these kinds of ideas the permission to continue, we transmute into our weakest version and addictive behaviour becomes religion. This is when we face the hardest spiritual test of all. I actually called a Christian friend on another continent FOUR TIMES that day, because she’s understanding, but also to ask her to pray for me or find an exorcist or something.

Even though I’m not religious, I see religion as a verbal definition of how everything works. The exorcist might see demons, while the physicist sees frequencies. It doesn’t matter to me what it’s called, as long as it works. I was desperately seeking instant healing for a situation I had allowed to manifest itself over time, by neglecting the very lifestyle I had created months earlier, the lifestyle that prevents all this drama.

This is furthermore the EXACT place I’ve been in, when carrying out suicide attempts.

Lack of love, understanding and physical contact can be a lethal threat.


If you’re like me and want to work out your emotional issues without much help, then you have to be DEAD SERIOUS about your lifestyle choices. This includes the people you surround yourself with, the foods you eat, what information you consume, how you deal with the negatives you face, not least your own inner b.s. and so forth.

This is the biggest pitfall when going sober and clean, because your oldest friends have all moved on in family friendly or work/career mentalities, and your party hangout people don’t have the necessary maturity to keep you motivated and on track with building up your new life. By cleaning up, we often find ourselves nearly alone and without proper connections with the people we should be hanging out with. If you’re about to go sober, be patient, because emotionally it will suck and you will get over it with the right support and / or strategies. This also explains why newly sober people often go into the extremese of fitness, religion and career choices.

I’m a relationship type of a guy and never bother enough to get laid around town, to fulfill the need for cuddling and pillow talks and nowhere near ready to commit, so the situation gets heavily dreadful when I give up on the things that I know that work.

To pull myself up without much help is a massive fucking under taking and each time the fall is just as bad. One of the things I do without hesitation nowadays, is to block out people that don’t get how serious this is and delete ALL phone numbers that remind me of my favourite bar. “Oh come on Hölli, you’re supposed to be strong in moments like these!” That advice is true, but feels like a joke when the other person is drinking too.

When it becomes way too much, you simply have to accept through patience and believe, that it takes time to let the darkness pass.


The problem with fighting the devil, is that it requires shit loads of positive energy, that we simply don’t have in times like these. One thing I do when it gets bad, is to risk my reputation by cancelling as much shit as I can and take a holiday from life. A better option is a preventive lifestyle, but that takes time and doesn’t clear out current shit. It does prohibit any future shit however, or atleast gives us the necessary tools to deal with it.

Furthermore, a preventive lifestyle helps with easing out the pain in our current shitty situation. Be patient, it can take months and there are no quick fixes that lead to perpetual happiness. Staying afloat in life requires time and effort. It’s not super hard to do, but can be close to impossible to initiate and implement.

I reccomend you start with things you like and seek help if you’re not as stubborn as me.

  1. Do you like nature?
    Got any friends that take regular walks in the forest?
  2. Do you miss people?
    Got any friends that hang out in public places that are good for you?
  3. Are you religious?
    Been to the Church /Mosque / Synagouge / Temple lately?
  4. You love food?
    Know any great chef that will drop by and cook you a meal?

Desperation destroys everything, unless your lifestyle prevents it.

Take care, stay strong and chill the fuck out if you need it.

With love, support and understanding.



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