When Insecurity Becomes Security

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“Boy” by Greyer Baby

Security can trigger anxiety.

As I laid myself in bed yesterday, getting ready to sleep, after a rather good day, I suddenly began sweating, my pulse went up and there was the usual pressure on my throat, as if the blood was thicker. I realized instantly that I was having an anxiety attack. So I got up and walked around the apartment, trying to breath slowly and focusing on relaxing, but this anxiety just wouldn’t go, so I went to the homeless shelter and the anxiety began relaxing.

I got a cup of coffee and waited for it to relax me, as so often before. The anxiety was still going on though and began escalating into the tremors and a bit of crying and as I was letting it be, to endure it ’till the end, a woman asks me to leave, because they close the shelter for an hour in the morning and the evening, I guess to activate people a bit and to make sure that the goodnight fixes be taken outside.

Outside, I was going into the usual inability to stand or even walk, not to mention slight hallucinations and was holding onto a structure to let this pass without embarrasment. Other symptoms include tingling in the fingertips, temporaty and high frequency tinnitus. Interesting, given that my blood pressure has always been measured close to being athletic.

Super humanbeings do exist.

There is a woman that frequents the shelter called Margareth (her actual name I know.) She isn’t homeless, but she shows up there to carry other people’s “weight.” Margareth walked with me a for a few doezen meters and the relief was amazing. She has an empathetic superpower, unlike anything I’ve ecnountered before. If I had the money, I’d hire her to do this for other people, making sure she could afford first class care, so that she would be even more able to help this way.

After we parted, I thanked her and with some regained energy and went to McDonalds to buy my preffered soul food, two cheese burgers. On my worst homeless day, that was the breakfast that day, at 10 in the evening. I think that’s the reason why two McDonalds cheesburgers can help me relax so much. From there, I went to my usual hangout, Under Masken, they were closing but at least I met a bunch of friends to scatter my mind while the pulse kept being uncomfortable. On the way out, one of the female bartenders gave me a farewell hug, as we all do here, and that little gesture was a major medical relief.

Distraction can work.

Then I went home. The last song the bartender on duty played, was Black Sabbath I think, so I went home and began working on a new stoner rock song, because what else to do in the night time, if music is all one has for comfort?

My relaxation pulse used to be 60 bpm before all of this, now it’s 80-90. I asked my current doctor about it and she claims it to be normal. Some people should NOT be allowed to practice medicine. She also screwed up my diagnosis, so be careful about trusting your doctor if you feel misunderstood. An unqualified doctor can indirectly inspire bad traps, such as my best planned suicide attempt, that I fortunately didn’t go after. I still haven’t reported her to the authorities, that’s on my post-recovery bucket list.

I then spent some time analysing the situation and also when I woke up 45 minutes ago. It dawned upon me, that I only feel secure in insecure situations and the key reason is a relationship I had with a narcisstic alcoholic, where EVERYTHING I said, did or wanted, was questioned and attacked, only to be replaced with her version of what and who I should be. I lost my ability to sleep in the last apartment we had, and couldn’t make the decision to go to sleep, unless she suggested it. I would walk frantically outside the bedroom, for up to 30 minutes or so.

Abusive relationships are a major risk to emotional, mental and physical health.

It has also come to realization, that I was having a constant, 24/7 soft anxiety in that relationship and have been, for the past 5 years or so, almost every day. With daily bursts of discomfort and more few times a week, panic attacks. Going home was a nightmare, it was so hard and tiring. Because of “love.”

Still to this day, I feel better in insecure environments. I feel a bit sorry for those that sleep on the streets, but I also envy them, because they are free and secure. I don’t have it in me to occupy a sleeping zone at the shelter, because I have an apartment just few minutes away. Another option is to fall asleep sitting, with my face on a table, in the shelter. It’s safe there.

This explains why my Bi-Polar “manias” only last a day and also why I’m so damn tired all the time, unless I live like an Olympic Athlete, then I become normal. Which is what I plan to do from January 2017.

Falling in love like this, becomes an emotional punishment.

This also explains why I became so obsessed with a girl I fell for two years ago. Sitting next to her, have been the ONLY times in the past five years, where there wasn’t some anxiety going on. I couldn’t score her though, because it was a very unstable period and I intentionally screwed it up, because I was afraid that she might be embarrased if people found out I liked her and the thought of being appreciated by someone I trust, is still an issue. I don’t think I will ever lose interest in her, so I’ll keep the poker face until some day in the future.

This fades into the background when I’m with my daughter, I guess because protection is so important to me, but the minute I bring her back to her mom’s, it’s back to usual, plus the stuff that has been lingering under the surface, while I serve my most important role in the world, fatherhood. I can endure anything for her.

So what to do when insecurity is security?

I don’t know at this point, but I suspect that this is a typical outcome for anyone living under abusive circumstances and/or homeless. Complain about the homeless and your choice will be embracing my humiliation in public.

To be updated the day I find a way out.

Thanks for reading and may today bring peace, love and security to you and yours,

Hölli.

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