Being Pussy Whipped – A Story Of Psychological Abuse.

shame

Are you sure s/he is who you think?

Some years ago, you know, a bit too many to remember exactly how many, I met an amazing woman. So pretty, so hot, so sexy, so attractive, so much fun, so generous, so everything a man could want, that gentlemen don’t advertise. We had been dating, most hours of the day, when I decided, six weeks into the relationship, to abandon a musicians dream apartment and move into HERS. You can say many good things about me; judgement won’t be on that list though.

At first, things were cool. I didn’t have a job at the time, and she had random hours, so we partied immensely. I should have seen the red flags on day one, but when you get some, and not just some, but pretty darn better than most some, a person can easily go blind. The thing is, our relationship when she wasn’t drinking or hung-over, was quite good to be honest. Besides the fact I couldn’t love her fully. I always thought; “She will change, I will change, we will grow together.”

If you go to far, your mind will change badly.

And boy, did I change! Another red flag I ignored, because my little brain downstairs had a say, was when she said; “You’re my project, I am going to change you.” Since then, I have learned that people that need to change their partner from day one, do so because they can’t change what is bothering them deep inside. This person grew up in war and has some stories that you don’t want to know about. Putting things into perspective now, I actually respect what she did to me, because she couldn’t do any better. We both brought a bunch of issues into the relationship, which neither of us could or wanted to accept and understand, so things went quite bad.’

I’m not sure if I ever got to say anything completely, it was always her talking, me replying a half a sentence and her then taking over, twisting it around and giving me great guilt for being myself, or as she put it; “You are the worst living example of a human being, I have NEVER met such a shitty worthless person.” And because my limits were broken before puberty, I was never good at defending my position.

One type of abuse, can enhance the effects of another.

So I pretty much gave her permission to perpetuate my child hood abuse event, just on a psychological level. Except for in the end, where I forced myself to please her, and you know what, it’s not so far from being forced into humiliation, it’s just harder to accept that we make the choice, when we’d rather throw up, or be with someone that might appreciate us, at least for one day.

This person did such an amazing job on my head, that I lost my personality. I stopped writing music because she hated the music I loved to write. And I haven’t really found love for music again, it’s a random hobby and I used to be ALL music. I couldn’t go to sleep, because I needed a little fake sympathy or scolding or just anything mean, to be able to make the decision to go to sleep. Many days, for months, maybe a year, not sure, I would just walk around outside the bedroom door, waiting for her to snap my mind into decision mode. I still have sleeping problems. Before I met this person, I could sleep on commande. The same happened with eating, and still to this day, I sometimes can’t make the decision to eat.

Abusive people kill their partner’s loyalty.

Loyalty is a very dangerous and a thin line in an abusive relationship, because the abuser must at ALL TIMES, believe that people are loyal to them, otherwise the abuse increases, to “keep us in our place” bla bla bullshit. When I hear guy’s talk like that about women, I’m done punching their noses into their skull, with my fantasy, before they even get to explaining how.

One of the things this Ex would frequently do, was to remind me of how shitty and worthless I was, when I made the mistake of “taking other men’s place” next to her out on town; “If they find out we’re together, they won’t buy me any free drinks.” Eventually, I began asking her if I could sit where she was sitting. I still wonder why I allowed myself to get fucked up so badly.
I nearly broke one guy’s hand, almost got in a few fights, got thrown out and punched one guy in the throat. Otherwise I’ve had ONE single violent episode, where I was forced to punch a guy breathless, to stop bullying in the creation.

See, I was merely an accessorie to her fantasy of the man she was actually looking for, only problem is, that the kind of a man that she was looking for, would never sink so low, as to be invested in bullshit like this. She never liked me for who I am, and got so mad when I couldn’t transform in to Mr. Social Movie Star. That woman never truly gave a fuck about me, but she gave some good s**, so from a caveman’s point of view, it was a trade. In a way, we both f***ed each other.

One of the best things I did in this relationship, romantically and as bad as it sounds, was the day I was unfaithful. It was so strange to feel appreciated, even though it was just a one night stance and I was some random girls opportunity for an orgasm. It was so amazing to be with someone that didn’t abuse the opportunity to punish me later, for maybe eating too fast, too slow, to this, too that, too something else and way too much of probably something else, what ever breaks your mind.

I’ve been lying about the REAL reasons to why my head is damaged from stress.

This relationship, is actually the reason to why I’m mentally ill from stress. It wasn’t the job, nor the long bus drives, nor the kids arguing all the time, or the parties. See, I have done all that for years, more heavily without any other consequences than a hangover and depression. I tried to kill myself when I was around twenty. The next time I tried it, was in this relationship, a whopping total of once per year on average. It’s first now, after this relationship and then homelessness, that Bi-Polar becomes an issue. I’m not sure if I actually am Bi-Polar, but I guess you create it under stress.

I used to think the stairway to our apartment was haunted, because I always got so heavy walking up there and nowhere else. The fact is, I was having panic attacks, EVERY TIME I got home from work, for many many months. I never knew if there was a party, if she was drunk or if I should risk having my daughter there. She actually threw us out one morning and tried it at 2AM on another day. The reason I’m so honest, is for other people to dare to end their abusive relationships. Men, women or children, you all deserve much better if you aren’t safe at home, and it’s perfectly normal and totally ok, to ditch other people than our kids. Abusive people never admit to it, they don’t change, they don’t care about you and they will never make you feel truly loved. They will however make their own minds relax, by destroying yours.

Physical pain can be a safe space.

The only thing I really controlled in this relationship, was how often and how hard I hit myself on the head, sometimes to the point of near fainting. She didn’t like it and was afraid of interfering, because I was in a violent state and have mental issues, she made a well controlled call on that one, as much as it hurt. If I failed to answer her fast enough and to her liking, even when I was lying, I began beating me up as hard as I can, and I’m quite strong naturally. This would typically be out of control hard slaps on both sides of my head, say 8 times on average, I don’t know, 7 times a month? I still don’t understand why I did this, but I guess because it was the only thing I had 100% control over. Maybe I kept repeating it because she didn’t interfere, somehow knowing, not knowing, that it gave me powers. Yeah, the human mind is quite weird sometimes.

Abused people may prefer escaping into other world’s than their own.

In a psychologically abusive relationship, sex become something that you just do. I mean, it was nice and all, but always felt weird. I had a very hard time finishing with her, unless I thought about someone else. I don’t prefer porn, but sometimes, porn is a better choice than your partner. Abusive people go NUTS when they find out, but hey, if someone want’s fuck another person up? Then that person will eventually F*** anyone else, anytime, also when you are together, because it’s a better choice.

Abusive people simply do not change.

Now. There are gazillion more stories, but the fact is, people like this; narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and some people that get emotional / mental damage from later development, unlike the first three that can, I think, be manifested via neglectence during early development. It’s actually a very unfair card to be given, to not being able to connect emotionally in a profound way. I feel deeply for these people, because they still get hurt when we can’t deal with them anymore.

Still, these people CAN and WILL use any imagineble trick in the world, to gradually twist a person’s head into all kind of dark places inside and then there is the Stockholm Syndrome.

Today is the first day I don’t defend her and give me all the blame. If your closed ones are worried about how much you’ve changed and withdrawn from them, after you entered a realitionship, and if you actually love them, miss them and you’re more worried in general than usually, then ask yourself this question; “Is my self image based on my partners wishes?” Our minds get addicted to abuse, and the cycle becomes stronger than we realize, so be aware of that. For the sake of children, some people, me included, stay for too long and it hurts the children more, the longer people stay together, prior to a break-up.

Having that said, I made a choice, didn’t like the consequences and am grateful for how strong and understanding all this mess has made me. I can give her credit for having shattered me so bad, because now it’s going to take war to shake my nerves. I’m also grateful for being a man, women usually get my story, plus violence and frequent relationship rapes.

I am now Forty years old, single, living down town in a beautiful apartment and I shall now spend the rest of my life living up to her words; “You will NEVER! Find another one like me!”
Nor do I ever want to. I don’t think I will even bother giving a new woman access to the real me, because I’m pretty much done having kids and after this experience, I divide women into three categories, Family, Friends and F***ing. Plus there is a Heathen Viking growing out of me, and that kind of a person doesn’t confuse pologamy with pleasure.

Having that said.

Sometimes, still to this day, I think, what if she actually changes one day? Because the good, was very good. That’s a mental exercise that help us forgive and move on. Focus on the good and understand, that abusive people do it for reasons they aren’t aware of, I think. We have to be hurt, in order to hurt others and sometimes I would like to meet her again and just give her a hug, for the sake of this world growing to a more beautiful place.

When it comes to other people, she’s generous, warm, supportive, amazing and so on.
We both entered a community of love, with issues that neither one of us understood, on either side and things went they way they want.

Thank you for reading, and may today bring you peace, love and understanding.

Hölli.

 

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