What Is Rejection and Why Does it Hurt?

loneliness-1879453_1280Expectations vs. Appreciation.

When we place our personal value on the approval of others, we are investing our future confidence in a lottery ticket and as goes the national weekly, so goes the lottery of life, the chances are poor and the stakes are high.

Expectations.

If there is one thing a person can do to kill their chances of getting someone they like, it must be to live by other people’s expectations. Surrendering to the expectations of other people, confuses our personal focus, because our brains only have time and space for so much.

  1. “What if she likes me? She’s so great!” That’s expecting something spectacular, something much better than the life we already have. The problem with that is, that if we enter a relationship from a low selfesteem point, our future mate will have no other choice than compensating by lowering their standards, and that never ends well. Otherwise we could be unlucky enough to be scooped up by a control freak, and that never ever ends well either.
  2. “What if she doesn’t like me? She’s so great!” That one is us expecting that we’ll never find happiness, unless we change something about ourselves that we hope will please the other person. Again, the outcome is the same as in example one.

When our expectations aren’t met romantically, our lives can “collapse,” because our view on our own life was based on a fantasy. The pain lies behind what we see, in the fact that we are powerless, hopeless and maybe depressed too, and it’s too much to bear, let alone admit it’s our responsibility, knowing it’s hard work, and we’re in vain and pain right now. This position weakens our perspective tremendously.

Here is where we often start doing the things that drive great people away, and start attracting the vampires. And here is where the best opportunities in self improvement and development are hiding, allthough they may be hard to find and so time consuming, that by the time we have worked them out, it often has become too late to try again. Which is sad, but a necessary sacrifice for growth.

Appreciation.

By being appreciative for the good things in life, we focus our appreciation vs. expectations energy into a more simple and a secure point. One that builds character and confidence when fed. We only have so much time and choosing a more productive attitude would seem to be much more important, than we often allow it to be.

  1. I’m grateful for the good people in my life, the fun things I’ve experienced and the fact that I know that I can always do and get better, and that I can always celebrate the steps of success by just enjoying the moment.

See the difference here?

No stress in appreciation, but complete despair in expectations. Whenever I expect more from life than me just waking up and doing my best, even when it’s none, I loose my cool and act destructively, atleast a little bit. Like getting angry at someone that forgot to call me back and “therefore” I’m late. A better way would be to appreciate the lesson in preparing myself better next time and don’t let it posion a friendship. We all fail sometimes, and so do other people when we fail to live by expecting them to be a certain way all times.

When we don’t get what we want, we feel rejected.

Feeling rejected is quite the arrogant statement, if you think about it. So what if I expect something of you and you don’t or can’t deliver. Am I God? No, I’m just a guy and the world doesn’t owe me anything. Nor do I owe the world much.

And yet, knowing all this, doesn’t change the fact that I still feel this aching feeling around my stomach and I don’t know how to get it out.

Here is where cutting the ties between feelings and thought becomes necessary so we don’t let the rejection turn to jealousy and/or revenge. Yeah, it does feel like shit, like total shit, but you know what, so does Guantanamo Bay, so stop complaining at least for a minute and give the other areas of your life a little thought. Find one good element there and grow it. Get busy with doing what you love and use that as a healing device. I haven’t written a song in a long time, because I’ve been so busy surviving, just to name one opportunity.

The more desperate and needy we are, the faster we push quality partners away and attract manipulative partners that will feed off of our insecurities and brainwash us with near cult like techniques, gathered over a life time of being out of control internally, hence the need to control externally.

If you intend for a great partner, you create a great life first.

Getting to the good life, requires shit loads of work and/or time and along the way, people come and go and it’s only through the hard times, we can evaluate whom to give our emotional trust.

We often get attracted to people we can’t always have, because they are appropriate for the life we dream about, but we always attract people that match our current lifestyle. Think about what kind of a life you want, then go on and create that life and the good choices shall appear. Just remember to not expect them being some dream personality, that one you find out when things get tough.

Improve yourself and appreciate yourself for taking the effort.

Thank you for reading and may today bring you closer to the life you want,

Hölli.

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