Around June 2015, I began falling for someone. At first I didn’t like it, because she’s so different from my usual crushes, yet, what can you do when attraction is present. I couldn’t be myself around her, had so many unresolved issues. This attraction came at the worst possible time.
The attraction grew and I realized that regardless of her type, I’d met someone quite extraordinary. It’s not just her super open mind to ideas that most people don’t understand, or her physical features, or her attitude of kindness or her personality that makes you feel right at home, but also her super fast mind. I’ve never met anyone that could associate thoughts faster than me. And I must give her credit, I began writing music again, for the first time in a few years. Here inspiration is THAT good. I also put on some shows for a few hours and totally ruined my health, because she was there. She’s the kind of a person, that if I was creating this world, I’d build her a huge paradise where she could dance amongst flowers and animals. And I’d kill to protect it.
I was homeless at the time, so I was super scared about being honest about anything and still am, because things have been bad and I don’t want her to know I have weak days. I didn’t want her to know that I was going through a prideless period. It didn’t matter what a shitty and lousy day I’d had. When I met her at the usual hangout and we were sitting next to each other, I felt like I had a home. These were the only times I was truly happy and at peace and ease, in a circus of insanity that lasted much longer than a year.
And then my life got very complicated.
I finally got an apartment, but you see, we don’t stop being homeless the day we get a key to a door, the brain requires a tremendous amount of time and relaxation to re-learn things like dishwashing, laundry and grocery shopping. Still one year later, I find myself with little improvement in the practical area and still disabled from work.
What happened, is that I finally had time to deal with things, such as a broken relationship with my daughter, addiction, depression, near daily suicidal tendencies, a three and a half year long relationship where I gave up my right to make decisions and homelessness I created by walking out of that relationship.
Having that said, these issues, some drastic personality changes, undiagnosed and untreated Bi-Polar, chronic stress, a major unresolved internal issue and heavy drinking is NOT a courting strategy. In a state of daily despair, I gradually screwed up any chance I may have had at the start. We say that women can see our slightest intentions and shortcomings, I guess she was looking at a disaster movie asking for a date.
You can still be grateful for the great things you never got.
This woman taught me one great philosophy; “You don’t HAVE to do anything.” That line works when life becomes too much, because it’s true, we don’t HAVE to do anything. We always have the choice of not eating and starve, I do that sometimes when my brain can’t handle the decision making. And from this perspective, I began doing less and less things that I didn’t actually have to. It has helped so much with the stress. I get more done by not stressing about when to do it.
I don’t know how I got through this, with some severe panic attacks, causing breathing to stop, hallucinations and crying and tremors so bad I couldn’t stand, fighting to stay sane every day, but I’m beginning to believe I’m quite strong. I do know and am grateful for, that every day for months, this particular girl saved me a great many times, because you see, many years ago I began talking with myself, to fight isolation in the fish factory back home, and still to this day, all day long, there is a debate going on in my head. Social isolation is a tiring bitch.
Was it obsession, or LOVE?
Every day during a few months, the ONLY person I had in my head, was the girl from June 2015. This was around November – February 2016. It didn’t matter what was happening, how bad it was, she was there, listening to my endless worries, still living with the homeless mind, in a home, and it helped. I think my brain put her in priority to defend itself from my lifestyle at the time. There was one day I had two versions (voices) of myself to left and right and they couldn’t agree on anything. I was stuck in the middle, frantically trying to figure out who I was and then she appeared, silenced the other two and once again, her inspiration saved me from insanity. So it’s understandable that I was in such a pain not having her.
You also have to remember I didn’t talk to ANYONE about any of the issues, so it was a big, yet painful, relief to have atleast someone. I had such a low self-esteem after all these setbacks, that I chose to hide my attraction, so that she wouldn’t be put up for an embarassment in public. Selfworth is certainly an important skill to develop.
I always felt like the wolf in the story where he’s a wolf by night and she’s a bird by day and every time at dusk and dawn they’d change to an animal or a human and could never be together at the same time. Every day.
So what to do, when we can’t have the ONE?
This defeat had such a profound impact on me, that I swore that I would do anything to not walk away empty handed next time. My personality got wiped out between 2010 and 2016 and I have the unique opportunity to put whatever I want on autopilot in the subconscious. It has become a huge advantage, having partially lost my mind.
I can see but four options here. Two bad and two good.
- I can let this attraction filter my head and go insane.
- I can try again and amplify her lack of attraction and make things even more embarrasing.
- I can work on my skills and try once more, but by the time I get there, I will probably have lost my interest in her anyway.
- I can move on and improve various areas of my life.
Which is why I have chosen option four. It kills me every day, but if I just keep improving my life, someone else will pop up one day, appropriate to that future life, someone even more mind blowing than the girl from June 2016. So ladies, you’re going to have to make some serious effort here, cause I’m taking steps every day to create an amazing life.
That is the bottom line guys. If you can’t have something, you can always improve.
May today bring ya’all peace, love and a little romance too,