Constant mental pressure can have weird symptoms, including walking around as if you were drunk.
Stress. It’s harsh, but at least I’m not in a perpetual PTSD stress at Guantanamo Bay. This is also important to share, because millions of people don’t have a life that is worth much, because of mental issues. Yesterday I allowed myself to listen to music at the library, for five hours, on headphones, because I miss music a lot and I can’t be here anyway without headphones, loads of toddlers that suddenly start making statements.
So, most waking hours I spend alone. It’s beginning to turn into some kind of a loneliness and I wont get a smartphone, nor internet at home, because it makes things worse. So my social moments are pretty much just in digital isolation.
Been going out partying a bit this week. Horrible decision for my health, but when you are alone all the time, it’s Saturday night and the town filled with flirtatious females in a maximum of 300 meters, primal urges pave the way for decisions like that. I’m not one of those people that meditate for 8 hours to find some universe-love-happiness, which might do the trick though.
When you’re unsupported, will power can and will run out after a few months.
I had 4 amazing months without much symptoms, but it was a full time job just being ok. Yesterday, I got so bad after the music session at the library, that the old tremors returned when I got back home, shaking, crying, unable to stand on my feet. My bodily functions are becoming weird. I have a concert / Jam Session in two weeks and if I wasn’t so loyal to my word, I’d cancel it, because it’s not worth having fun for two hours, if it means a few days of isolation. After the 5th of November, my life will have to go into another direction. After the last show, it took 6 days to recover and I had to cut down quality time with my kid by a day, I hardly ever see her. Tears popping out right now as I write that.
Miss playing the electric guitar so very much and almost went to a Jam Session last Thursday, even just for one song, but at the moment, it’s not worth doing what I love most. Partying is almost easy during the moment, because alcohol is such a great brain killer. People probably thought I was quite drunk yesterday, but not really. Stress can make our bodies act as if we are drunk.
I spend almost all days in recovery from the very few things I actually do in life. Waiting for the day to be over, hoping that tomorrow I might be able to wash those fucking dishes.
As for money, I have some ideas that require minimal effort and/or outsourcing and I want to create some kind of a passive and growing income, like an e-book about living with depression.
Constant stress actually equals constant social isolation.
Some days I don’t go out, because the town has traffic noises. When you have no internet, 17 songs on your XBOX playlist and can’t pull yourself together to put strings in your guitar and you spend 90% of your time with yourself, talking with yourself, life becomes very boring and lonely. Sometimes I just walk around in my apartment, I don’t know why, but maybe it’s the brain protecting itself from idleness.
I’m still waiting for the day when my brain can handle the thought about doing the dish washing after my daughter’s birthday last Sunday. Almost everything runs on random automation, because conscious thought can render my body so tired, I have to sit down and focus on my breathing so it won’t go into anxiety mode.
Having a doctor that actually bothers to do their job is fundamental to stress recovery.
I’ve been complaining about these issues to probably 10 different professionals over the past three years, and now it feels being too late. It was all thought to be cannabis related.
One of the things I began doing during the last relationship, to release stress, was hitting my self on both sides of my head as hard as I could, like a sandwich, 5-10 times maybe. I almost fainted once. We’re talking at least 5 sessions of this a month, for like 2.5 years. No doctor could relate that to the weird headaches I’ve been having sometimes over the last few years, exactly where I used to hit it. “Just stop smoking marijuana and things will take care of themselves.”
At least I am not suicidal, because if I was, I probably wouldn’t have made alive after yesterday. So that is a big victory. The old thoughts began sneaking in; “Why bother living,” but because I’ve trained my brain for the occasion, the desire never came alive.
Dealing with stress alone can create more stress and change your personality.
I’m a bit scared as to what would happen if I had an accident at home. There could go up to 10-14 days before anyone would miss me. Shaking as I write this, because I almost started crying, but I’m at the library and too proud to be weak in public. Interesting how we can choose crying off and just let it turn to hand shaking instead. I also wonder if all this isolation is a good thing. Hardly ever touching another human being, nor talking much, especially about things that are bothering me, for more months than I can remember, is I think, beginning to change my personality.
On my way home yesterday, I took a nap on the sidewalk. It’s beginning to feel more normal to be homeless again, than to have a home. I thought about crashing at the homeless shelter for a change, because I was afraid of going home. In the future I hope to generate enough money and make a trip to the US for psychiatric help, at some very expensive hospital where everybody knows Dr. Phil.
The system and psychiatry need to update their knowledge on stress.
I still question my Bi-Polar diagnosis, because I don’t fit the description that well and also because I lied intentionally to get the diagnosis, because I was weak and there was this particular shrink that didn’t like the truth, so I just told him what he wanted to hear. It’s also important for the welfare process. I wont be taking any Bi-Polar meds, because the diagnosis was based on so much bs. and also because the Psychiatry business here has no responsibility. If their meds were to drive me into suicide, it would be on me. And since it’s my call to make, it’s also my position to take.
The only thing that is charming about not smoking marijuana, is that it requires incredible strength to live my life like this. I prefer being strong, but I still wonder if I’ll ever get past the survival stage and start enjoying life again. I shrug my shoulders all the time, it’s a skill I learned as homeless.
Being intentionally cold just to cope is good for survival, but has a long term damaging effect on our soul.
Another thing with the weed, is that I become a beautiful human being during my smoking periods. Remember my 4 months of greatness? What is there great about writing a text and say “Our friendship is over, because you drink.”
When I’m sober, I become calculated, cold and careless of other people. You can’t see it by my actions, but my thoughts are different. Being nice is a skill, not a trait. Look at Donald Trump, he’s nice because it’s good money.
And at last I want to add, that all of these issues and more, disappear 30 seconds in when I light a joint. So judge me all you want, but I am seriously thinking about becoming a regular smoker again anyway, because I miss having a life and a meaning with life. I also miss having clean and dry socks and food in the fridge instead of on the floor.
People that act alone, often resort to methods that society may be afraid of understanding.
Furthermore I’ve also learned that there is one person I can count on when life hits the gutter, and that is me. I know there are more, but I prefer the isolation in case people bail when I need them. Being alone against shit on weed is what I call “The Solutionary Mode.” When the smoke clears the confusion in my head, I can deal with things very fast and find a better solution. I know, because I did that the other day with shame, guilt and worthlessness in a matter of few days. My near daily suicidal tendencies for 25 years, went literally up in smoke.
Psychotherapy doesn’t clear out our largest problems in a few minutes. It took just a minute or two to figure each out, because I was high. The reason I gave in to smoke recently, was because I went weak and decided it might be cool to sleep when I’m tired, eat when I’m hungry, bathe when I’m dirty and clean that apartment for a change. I also enjoy walking to the supermarket without holding on to street signs or dropping things on the floor. Not to mention getting out of the house when the sun is shining.
Update March 24th, 2017. I eventually turned my lifestyle around and am now out of stress, anxiety, depression and addiction. That lifestyle is explained in the articles before and after this one.
Stress recovery is possible and it’s a bitch to deal with.
Thank you for reading and keep fighting, it gets better over time,